Did cola Seal Osama’s fate?

MOST people don’t go on holiday to Warsaw, Indiana. But I am a trendsetter and I want to encourage all you Metro readers to follow me and book a fortnight’s break there.

Not convinced you want to spend your hard-earned money on a trip to the world centre for orthopaedic implants? Let me talk you into it. Warsaw doesn’t just have a field of abortion memorials and a statue of a man being nonplussed at meeting a dead president, it has a museum with a collection of nearly 30 unusual pencils and a display of old T-shirts, one even dating back to the 1990s.

I genuinely had a good time. And look, all the stuff I have written about is not representative of Indiana or its people. You just tend to notice the more extreme stuff when you’re away from home.

Talking of which, on our last day we visited a candy and soda shop. Among the Hershey’s bars and Babe Ruths I found something amazing: a single bottle of undescribed, brown drink, featuring a cartoon of a wide-eyed Osama bin Laden, which was called Seal Ya Later.

It was good to see an historical event celebrated through the medium of a fizzy syrupy beverage. They should have politically incorrect colas for all assassinations and atrocities. Even better, there was a joke on the bottle: ‘Knock Knock.’ ‘Who’s there?’ ‘America!’

I am not sure whether that exchange is a verbatim account of what happened that night but I hope so. I like to think the Navy Seals turned up with the joke planned out. It did rely on OBL saying ‘Who’s there?’ but who could really resist that?

The problem with the Seals’ joke, though, is that Osama bin Laden might not say ‘Who’s there?’ and then they’re left downstairs knocking again and again while he makes his escape. Navy Seals are like vampires. They can only come in if invited. You have to respond to their knock-knock joke or they’re screwed.

More importantly, what if Bin Laden did say ‘Who’s there?’ Then they deliver their brilliant (if pre-planned) gag: ‘America!’ Surely then Bin Laden would say: ‘America who?’

And the Seals are not prepared. The al-Qaeda frontman has called their bluff. Now they must think up a topper on the spot. It looks like it should be easy but not in the heat of the moment.

‘A merry car is fun to drive?’ Tumbleweed. Not funny enough for this historical moment.

I am going to perpetuate the rumour that Seal Ya Later is the only soft drink available in the US and that anyone who doesn’t drink it is locked up in Guantanamo Bay for being un-American. It’s not true. But I think we’ve all had enough of facts.

Britain sweats the small stuff

Storm in a bread basket: Bake Off is off to Channel 4

REBELLION is in the air, not because of Brexit and the potential fudge the government might make of it or because the NHS is at breaking point. What’s finally roused the people into action is a new phone coming out without a traditional headphone jack and a cookery show moving to a different TV channel. Thank goodness we have our priorities right. We can’t sit back and let these things just wash over us, Britain.

A new series of Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast is now on iTunes. To buy tickets to live recordings, visit richardherring.com