CHRISTMAS… it’s all about family and celebrating the birth of Jesus and peace and goodwill to all men… Well, that’s the idea. But the reality is that it always descends into bankruptcy, homicidal stress levels and an annual promise to never see your family again.
There’s only one thing that saves us from all this — the telly. Christmas is the time when it’s deemed OK to slob about in your pyjamas and watch TV all day. At least, that’s what I tell my Canadian wife.
‘It’s a tradition here in the UK,’ I tell her. ‘You’re foreign and need to integrate more! This is why I voted Brexit, to get rid of you Canadians coming over here to try and change our Christmas traditions.’
This never goes down too well. She starts to waffle on about strange things like ‘doing quality stuff with your family’. Or ‘do the washing up — make an effort you lazy, no-good b*****d’. I just hope that, once the Hard Brexit deportations start and she is shipped back to the icy prairies from whence she came, she’ll get with the programme.
She’ll learn her lesson: Christmas Canadian television is worse than North Korea’s output. A British Christmas is about quality TV and no colonial moose-muncher is ever going to tell me different.
Film-wise, when else am I going to be able to watch Where Eagles Dare for the 65th time? There’s no other time of the year when opting to watch a Police Academy film makes any sense, is there? Also, the Christmas edition of Pointless is not going to watch itself is it? It’s a crucial part of my holy tradition to watch Richard Osman demean himself by wearing a silly Christmas hat while I listen to Alexander Armstrong’s secret comedy album of middle of the road songs aimed at housewives who long for another Dido album.
Gossip-wise, how am I going to know which newsreader is in so much financial trouble that he/she agreed to do all the news broadcasts over the Christmas weekend on their own using a camera that they have to control themselves as the rest of the building is empty? My money is on Sophie Raworth this year — I have no inside info but the other day she wore the same top as she did on April 3, 2015. I’m not obsessed or anything, I just notice these things.
Christmas Gogglebox is the one I’m really looking forward to. There’s been tension on the show for ages — ever since the over-excitable son of the Essex couple tried to break free and go on Big Brother. It didn’t go well and he’s now back on the show with his tail firmly between his legs.
But Scarlett Moffatt has smashed the doors wide open by winning I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! The show is going to be a veritable green-fest of envy and my family will be betting on who breaks free next. Well, most of us — it rather depends on whether my wife gets her visa or not…
Joly will be back on our screens on Christmas Eve on C4 at 11pm with a Trigger Happy Christmas Special. The entire 2016 Trigger Happy mini-series is also available on AllFour