2017 will totally Trump 2016

Heydon Prowse, one half of the political pranksters behind sketch shows Revolting and The Revolution Will Be Televised, takes a satirical poke at 2017

LAST year was a funny old year… and when I say a funny old year, I mean it sucked harder than a Dyson Big Ball. Brexit, Trump, Syria, devastating global warming and then Honey G.

It was events like those that prompted Armando Iannucci, the man who gave us Veep and The Thick Of It, to claim that it was no longer possible to satirise the news. But Armando must have missed perhaps the most important piece of news in 2016 — scientists claiming that it’s more than likely we are all living inside a computer simulation.

Therefore, on the basis of 2016, I’d say there’s a strong chance we are all just unwitting extras in a third-rate, Bafta-nominated 3D comedy series created by an Armando of the future for satirical purposes. With that in mind, here are my predictions for what could go wrong this year. And bear in mind if it could go wrong, it probably will.

Theresa May announces Quantum Brexit

Turns out the reason Theresa couldn’t be more specific when she kept saying ‘Brexit means Brexit’ is because she was working on a highly complex plan with Britain’s top quantum scientists, which she had placed inside a secure box. Under this plan, the UK is to remain both inside and outside the single market and both maintain free movement and abandon it at the same time… as long as no one ever opens the box. However, if we open the box, May warns, all Britain gets is a cat.

Hard to imagine, I know, but at some point in 2017 a Southern Rail train service arrives at its destination on time

Southern Rail is (not) delayed

Hard to imagine, I know, but at some point in 2017 a Southern Rail train service arrives at its destination on time, actually allowing passengers to get to work. Yes, it’s a fantasy.

Too good to be Trudeau?

Darling of the left and all-round nice guy Justin Trudeau is discovered to be a bigamist, having kept his second family secret by locking them in the basement beneath the cottage in Ottawa he continues to live in, which somewhat explains his refusal to move to the official Canadian prime minister’s residence when he took office in 2015. Social commentators point out that, in hindsight, the Canadian PM always did seem to be trying a little too hard.

Refugee crisis solved by most racist country in the world

After a visit to Brazil, Australian PM Malcolm Turnbull realises his country is little more than a vast empty desert, not just geographically but also culturally, its only contributions to human endeavour being Vegemite and the Ugg boot. He immediately agrees to take in every single Syrian refugee, solving the crisis completely. This has the added bonus of not only spicing up Australian cuisine but also the knackered Australian genome, which was urgently in need of new material.

Trump declares war on China via Twitter

In late 2017, offended by comments from Chinese president Xi Jinping about the size of his wall compared to theirs, The Donald Tweets: ‘By precedential decree I formally declare war on China’, then immediately has to delete and retweet with the correct spelling of ‘presidential’. The war goes ahead despite the grammatical error and humanity is obliterated…

…and thus Armando Iannucci’s satirical simulation of the world is concluded. It goes on to win a TV Choice award.

Revolting is on BBC2 on Tuesdays at 10pm